tumblr tales

tumblr fiction, folklore, memes and legends

[charlataninred]

Love how tumblr has its own folk stories. Yeah the God of Arepo we’ve all heard the story and we all still cry about it. Yeah that one about the woman locked up for centuries finally getting free. That one about the witch who would marry anyone who could get her house key from her cat and it’s revealed she IS the cat after the narrator befriends the cat.

[meraarts]

Might I add:

The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed

The woman who raised the changeling alongside her biological child

The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship

[eater-of-hopes-and-dreams]

The adventures of a space roomba

Cinderella finding Araura (and falling in love)

I don’t know a snappy description but the my nemesis cynthia story certainly lives in my head

[blitzlowin]

hilariously, these are almost all in my fic tag. so, a compiled list from the notes (and some extras):

The God of Arepo (graphic novel 1 / 2 / 3) (ebook)

The Monster of Sentan

The Witch’s Cat

Raise Both Children

Stabby the Roomba (honorable mention)

Cinderella Marries the Prince (comic)

My Arch Nemesis Cynthia

Pirates and Mermaid

Eindred and the Witch

The Demon King

The Cornerwitch

Grandmother Beetroot

Apocalypse Daycare Worker

Grandmother Accidentally Summons a Demon

New Year Saga

A Story About Changelings

Ranger in the King’s Forest

The Difference Between a Hare and a Rabbit

Goblin Men (Canines)

[charlataninred]

I am in love with you /p

[inkvoices]

Adding Faceblind Prince Charming and Cinderella

[inkvoices]

21. The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship

22. The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed

[lightningladybug]

adding the Doctors Without Borders one

[inkvoices]

I LOVE tumblr storytime, so here’s a bunch more your weekend reading. Enjoy!

24. The Queen with Three Cursed Children

25. Tiny Dragon with one coin hoard

26. Haunted house

27. Shark hero was about to go rogue

28. Grandma lives in the woods comic

29. A Different Aftermath comic

30. Battery (microstory but I love it so much)

31. It’s A Date comic

32. Supervillian kidnaps rival’s kid and they want to stay

33. Narrative Town

34. I have been hired to clean the wizard tower comic

35. Robot Apocalypse

36. The Statues That Do Not Weather

37. Kushiel

38. Tooth Fairy

39. Alien abduction

40. Felonious wish-granting

41. When humans met actual space orcs

42. Space cousins

[dannnnnnnnnnnnex]

WAIT REBLOG THIS VERSION INSTEAD

[crackheadgremlin-deactivated202]

its not a book nor banned but honestly? unknown stories or those cherished by few are also important so here.

Also adding a couple of my favorites! Long Forgotten God and the kindergarten class

Angels and Demons accidental sandwich

[snakebites-and-ink]

May I add:

45. Intergalactic Red Cross

46. Being Villagers

47. The monster under the fridge

48. Humans are the only species with a concept of vengeance

49. The Blue Key

50. Different stories resonate with different people comic

51. Whalefall horror comic

52. The Fox God comic

53. The Stone of Possibility

54. Worthless War

[snakebites-and-ink]

Wait I have more: (including many from the notes)

55. A Pool in the Heart of the Forest (comic)

56. I am asking you to endure it anyway

57. You Help Kill Heroes

58. The witch who raised herself

59. My pilot is good

60. Hsthete (comic)

61. Variations on the Frog and the Scorpion

62. The monster under the bed

63. Cleric slamming healing spells (microstory)

64. The Priest of Arepo

65. The Villain Wrangler

66. Old Gods vs Aliens

67. Last Contact

68. Dragon on a farm

69. Antler Guy

70. Bakery with mythical customers

71. ‘Port

72. The king prophesied to defeat evil

73. The Night Gentlemen

74. In love with a sphynx

75. A fae asks for your name

76. Once their home

77. When you die in the ocean (comic)

Also “tumblr storytime” is such a cute thing to call it

[koreanbibliophilegirl]

78. The three princesses of the tower

79. Opportunity off to the afterlife

80. Transcript of Multiple Conversations Between the Awakened Hero of Legends and a Reporter

81. Moon’s Stuck In a Timeloop

[metalphoenix]

Ahhhhh I love tumblr folklore! I would like to add a couple stories that I really enjoy.

82. Stories of Quelt

83. Cinderella and the face-blind Prince (repeat as old link wasn’t working)

84. Ghost Trees

[hysterical-mess]

I’m in love with this post! Wanted to add:

85. The scorpion and the toad

86. Two witches share custody of a child they were both promised (Double, Double)

[oberonsson]

Dame Archer kicks McDougal’s Scots ass there in the rain at the Washington Midsummer Renaissance Faire - August 11, 2018 - Photo by Douglas Herring

[anarcho-wormism-deactivated2019]

😮

[garrettauthor]

Oh NO.

[treacleaergia]

me, a sheltered noblewoman: Pray who is that brave knight? Dame Archer:*turns around* me: gasp! *instantly in love*

[dirtyriver]

Alicia Archer

[ex-sang-uination]

my bi heart………

[ohmightysmiter]

I’VE NEVER SEEN THE ADDED PICS

[hrefnatheravenqueen]

[nyx-belial]

*dies*

[garrettauthor]

Oh shit.

[notlostonanadventure]

GAY KNIGHTS

[unicornofdarknessstuff-deactiva]

Fellas I’m real gay

[thecarrott]

@0hheytherebigbadwolf HELP!!

[0hheytherebigbadwolf]

Every June this inevitably winds up back on my dash. And I appreciate that. And I will reblog it. Every time.

[rockitcat]

Hey, it’s @archerinventive, and the Pride Knights!

[bees-with-swords]

"Do you ever dream of land?" The whale asks the tuna.

"No." Says the tuna, "Do you?"

"I have never seen it." Says the whale, "but deep in my body, I remember it."

"Why do you care," says the tuna, "if you will never see it."

"There are bones in my body built to walk through the forests and the mountains." Says the whale.

"They will disappear." Says the tuna, "one day, your body will forget the forests and the mountains."

"Maybe I don't want to forget," Says the whale, "The forests were once my home."

"I have seen the forests." Whispers the salmon, almost to itself.

"Tell me what you have seen," says the whale.

"The forests spawned me." Says the salmon. "They sent me to the ocean to grow. When I am fat with the bounty of the ocean, I will bring it home."

"Why would the forests seek the bounty of the oceans?" Asks the whale. "They have bounty of their own."

"You forget," says the salmon, "That the oceans were once their home."

[hearnoweevil]

Last year I finally had an excuse to illustrate this simple little Tumblr story I've had bookmarked forever for class.

I hope you like it :]

[hxgrl]

Whats the opposite of a girlboss. Im like a girlfailure

[hxgrl]

You're all fucking welcome

[estrogenesis-eeveeangelion]

"gaining eight notes in two years" is devastating

[i-draws-dinosaurs]

Star Wars has three types of guy: Fump Geezgo from the Womflee system, Stabba Badguyman, and Chris

[i-draws-dinosaurs]

[i-draws-dinosaurs]

Happy May the 4th to this, somehow my most popular original post of all time! In celebration here's some more examples of the Guy Types:

Wam Lufba the Yuzzum, Morally Evil, and Wade

[calder]

vegans make peace with honey

no shut up do it

[calder]

vegans will pretend not to hear when natives tell them their agave products are unsustainable because they have whimsical feelings about, and i cannot stress this enough, the freedom of hive insects

Honey is literally murder but go off

[kasaron]

Prove it.

They literally puke their guts up to make your honey

[kasaron]

I have not seen any evidence tonsugges they are harmed or die in the process of production. They do regurgitate the nectar as part of the process to concentrate it into honey (an interesting process) but they do not suffer any injury during this process. If they did, the cost to produce honey, which is done naturally as a measure to survive over winter and through times of lower availability, would outweigh the benefits. If you kill several bees to produce enough honey to make one more bee, It makes no sense. Any animal that did that would die, even with human intervention.

Do you have any sources which suggest otherwise? I’d be interested to hear of this (relatively publicly available) information was false or misunderstood.

Bee farmers use whats called a honey maker. It’s a crude devices. It similar to a meat grinder. They force the bees in and grind them up. What comes out is a paste. That paste is later filtered into what we know as honey

[hematite2]

This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read

[leonardo-nierman]

@zoologicallyobsessed please show us pics of your bee grinder

[gemstone-gynoid]

they might be falsely thinking about a honey extractor machine. but all these do is you place the beehive frames inside and a motor rotates it at a speed that removes the honey, which is then tapped through a tap at the bottom. 

[darkenedyeastextract]

…do they think they put bees in that and spin them around until they vomit…?

[demonius-darkblade]

bee carnival

[yeah-yeah-beebiss-1]

bad and naughty bees get put into the b e e c e n t r i f u g e to extract their honey

[bastlynn]

Vegans coming after beekeepers is one of my major teeth grinding annoyances. For many reasons, because there’s so many lies. And to go one step further because it’s such a waste. You see, the strongest vegan argument is that they don’t want to exploit animals or take from them without their consent.

… but… Bees consent. NO. I’M NOT KIDDING.

How? Bee hives aren’t kept on leashes. They’re outside, the bees can travel miles every day. They follow their queen. Who is also outside, not on a leash, and can travel miles every day. If she doesn’t like the hive for any reason - for example: it got too hot, too cold, too messy, too filled with sugary stuff and they need more space… then the queen leaves. And with her the hive.

The queen stays in the hive because the hive is the best place to live. Period. Done. End of. If the hive is staying with the beekeeper it’s because the keeper is doing their job correctly and keeping them happy because the bees can, and do, leave bad beekeepers.

Of all the animals we have domesticated as livestock, bees are the ones you can most easily argue are consenting participants in their keeping.

[alicentsgf]

[mystical-mew]

Here it is. The bee post is back

[korrasera]

I feel compelled to explain the misconception part for anyone who doesn’t know anything about beekeeping and finds any of this confusing. This might be a little redundant, but I’m scratching an itch.

Harvesting honey does not murder bees.

The device pictured above does not mash up bees or their hives.

There’s no ethical concern when it comes to eating honey, it’s totally ethical as food is concerned.

Bees manufacture honey using pollen. They store it in the cells of their hive, where it’s used as food for the colony, particularly the larvae growing into the next generation of bees.

When you harvest honey, you remove parts of the hive that are being used to store the honey, without taking any bees along for the ride. Those parts of the hive are then put into a device, like the centrifugal extractor shown above by gemstone-gynoid, where the parts are spun really fast to pull extract the honey. The honey gets collected on the walls of the extractor, drips down, and can then be filtered and bottled for human use.

So.

It turns out that bees love making honey and can make more of it than they’d ever need. It also turns out that beekeepers taking care of hives and harvesting their honey keeps bees healthy and thriving, more so than they’d normally accomplish on their own. And we really need bees healthy and thriving because they help us grow an astonishing amount of food by pollinating plants.

Like, there’s no need to have a conversation about this, anyone who claims that harvesting honey requires that you kill bees is lying. Either they don’t know anything about beekeeping and are just repeating a lie someone else told them, or they know that they’re lying and they’re just straight up trying to deceive people. Neither is a good look.

[stormingchaos12]

mmmmm yes my favorite chicken nugget condiment

m a s h e d b e e

[the-haiku-bot]

mmmmm

yes my favorite chicken

nugget condiment

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[ladyorlandodream]

[voyagevisuelle]

This a Moonmelon, scientifically knows as asidus. This fruit grows in some parts of Japan, and is known for its vibrant blue color. What you probably don’t know about this fruit is that it can switch flavors after you eat it. Everything sour will taste sweet, everything salty will taste bitter, and it gives water a strong orange-like taste. It’s also very expensive…costing about ￥16000 JPY (which is about 200 dollars).

or you know this could be photoshopped

but idk

you tell me

[meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerlin]

this is alexandrias melon (wow)

it never grows seeds but it can still produce other melons (its magic)

it is grown deep in the jungles of peru and can prevent you from aging well into the hundreds

it is known by the natives there as k’uhul ajaw cacao shi-jiiy.

its really strange how all of these pictures look exactly the same because everything on the internet is true

[coolstoryrob]

This is the Peppermeloni. (seriously gosh just look at that sexy mother fucker) Its scientific name is Tumblrous Pepperonus.

The only known specimen is in a pot in David Karps treasure dungeon. It is a tradition that a single slice is given to every tumblr blog that reaches 500,000 followers.

It has the remarkable property of being as healthy as watermelon but tasting like cheesy pepperoni pizza.

This planet is really just so amazing guys wow.

[bestrooftalkever]

Patrickmelon

The taste of this melon will always surprise you.

[ninja-sex-tarp]

I’m fucking done with this site

[celticpunkandcoffee-deactivated]

This is the evermelon.

If you cut this watermelon a certain way you will find that it has seemingly regenerated. You can do this an infinite number of times and will have a neverending supply of melon.

[deltadragoon-deactivated2018111]

[neenernina]

OH GOD I haven’t seen this post in YEARS and THAT is the fucking additon to it!?

[amor-moved]

ALRIGHT THATS IT ITS TIME TO STOP

[thereisagirlwhonevergoesoutpt2]

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Ravenmelon and I’m ebony black  (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips, and a lot of people tell me I look like watermelons (AN: if u don’t know what dat is get da hell out of here!).

[memeseverdie]

Nothing will ever be better than the last one

[theinfiknight]

HASHBFJGJDHRJFKFKRJ

[liquid-geodes]

That last one took me out at the god damn kneecaps-

[locatescape-deactivated20190801]

[mandatalks]

Someone wrote a really interesting article about why people believe these sorts of things so easily.

[peterfromtexas-deactivated20250]

Reenactor throws a spear at a drone

[supapoopa]

What a time to be alive.

[tenthcorner]

“The medieval warrior, realizing the consequences of his impulsive act, immediately approached the owner of the drone and offered to pay for the damage.

The owner of the drone was so impressed by the brilliant attack that he suggested organizing a competition for bringing down “dragons” with short spears next year.

Drone owners have another year to develop a unique “dragon-like” design for their flying machines.” (x)

[kineticpenguin]

I am 100% cooler with this knowing that the spear-thrower realized “oops maybe I shouldn’t have done that” and tried to make it right, and that the guy who the drone belonged to was cool with it

[brunhiddensmusings]

just so everyone knows, this has already been memorialized in a runestone

[stephendann]

Everything about this post blesses those involved with a +4 on their next Today is Good Day roll

[fromaliminalspace]

a rough translation of inscription on the runestone:

On the seventh day of May in the year of 2016 on hither spot the mighty warrior Ulf hath slain a dragon with his spear.

so yeah, happy birthday to this dragon-slaying event and to it only

[nonlinear-nonsubjective]

Happy Ulf Hath Slain A Dragon With His Spear!

[supertaliart]

Happy Star Wars Day! Here’s my other Skywalker Twins comic all in one post!

[writing-prompt-s]

You are a long forgotten god. A small girl leaves a piece of candy at your shrine, and you awaken. Now, you must do everything to protect your High Priestess, the girl, and her entire kindergarten class, your worshipers.

[dycefic]

The stone was immovable, in the past. Indestructible. A spire of granite no mortal hand could even alter.

But mortal hands build clever tools, and these last few hundred years I have lived in dread that they will break this, my sacred stone, the last link that preserves me, a faint shadow of a forgotten god. While my sacred stone stands, I do not, quite, fade away.

I am in a park, now, clipped and tamed, my forests long gone. But they landscape around me and my stone, admiring its beauty, so I do not complain. While they take pleasure in the stone, I am safe.

There is a playground a few lengths away, and the laughter and happy shrieking rouse me a little from my sleep. I watched over children, once. It’s nice to hear them again.

But I don’t truly awaken until the Offering is made.

Little hands touch my stone, with curiosity and a sort of reverence that only the very young feel now. For a child young enough the world is still a mystery, and even an ancient granite stone provokes wonder. So I stir, when she touches the stone, becoming hazily aware.

And then, solemnly, the child places a tiny colourful object in the roughly shaped alcove in the stone’s side, the place where offerings were laid two thousand years ago and more, and I awaken. Many people have put things in that alcove, of course… to take pictures, usually, these days, or putting a lost object where it will be seen. Merely to place an object in the alcove isn’t enough. A true offering is given as a gift, with intent.

As this is.

Keep reading

[never-a-good-thing-to-have-deac]

Wait… Isn’t Ed Balls day coming up? ED BALLS DAY, I HAVE TO GET READY TO CELEBRATE 

[thewalrusfrompingu]

What’s Ed Balls day?

[never-a-good-thing-to-have-deac]

Omg, okay explanation time. 

On the 28th of April, 2011, Ed Balls got a Twitter account. He decided (as most people under the spotlight do) to attempted to look up his own name. However, all he did was tweet “Ed Balls”. This, for some reason, got retweeted by THOUSANDS of people. On a global scale. And because he didn’t know you could delete a tweet it stayed. Every year since then,the 28th of April is Ed Balls day. 

This is the infamous tweet

and here are some gems to celebrate that have followed the years, including last year where they framed the tweet and got him to sign it for charity

There are also LOADS MORE in this article from the Telegraph

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/general-election-2015/11566593/Ed-Balls-Day-fourth-anniversary-of-that-tweet.html 

[never-a-good-thing-to-have-deac]

HAPPY ED BALLS DAY 2017 WOOOP

[never-a-good-thing-to-have-deac]

Now that the clock has struck midnight…

HAPPY ED BALLS DAY 2018 WOOOOOOOOOOP

[lavender-and-red]

IT’S HERE

[flapjacques]

[optimalmongoose4]

Looked this guy up and “Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer” sounds like something from a fantasy novel

[incompletebutconsistent]

Just to explain, Chancellor of Exchequer is an extremely important position in UK politics. It means the minister who is in charge of the Treasury and the National Budget - the UK equivalent to Treasury Secretary. The “Shadow” part means that he was not actually in that position, he was the opposition’s equivalent and would have become Chancellor had his party (Labour) gotten into power while he was still Shadow Chancellor.

[leoreturns-deactivated20110811]

I have been waiting all year to post this.

[dashboardtales]

Miss Congeniality (2000)

[originallandlockedmariner]

[fuckyeahbiguys]

[fuckyeahbiguys]

We’ve waited a year to reblog this. Happy Bread Anniversary!

Because it’s important to celebrate the little victories in life. 

[feenyxblue]

No, no, no!

This is April 19 on the Julian Calendar.

The real bread day is on April 7th

[kholden83]

There is only a difference between the Gregorian and Julian calendars because the Julian year is subtly off the actual length of the solar year, and the Gregorian calendar fixed it.

The difference between the Julian and Gregorian calendars is not a set amount. It’s 14 days now, but it was only 10 days when the Gregorian was instituted in 1582.

The Julian Calendar was not yet incorrect when Pompeii was destroyed in 79 CE, so if you counted the Gregorian calendar backwards it would yield the same date. It is most reasonable in my opinion to simply celebrate Bread Day on the Gregorian 19th. We’re all perfectly happy to do that with the Ides of March.

That said, if you really want to celebrate it on the Julian calendar, that is fact 14 days later than the equivalent Gregorian date, not before it.

3rd of May

Wikipedia’s Julian calendar article Note that this lists the current date in both calendars, so you can check

[buzzfeedreader]

[injuries-in-dust]

[terryfphanatics]

@caitallolovesyou

[seveneightmine]

Some pictures of Flame w/ her chicks❤️

[unpeeled-human]

[unpeeled-human]

[nocturnal-necromancer]

Hello?? Can anyone hear me???