First and foremost, it helps to know a billionaire. The rich don’t have to worry about pesky things like taxes or having a human soul. Instead, they have so much money that they can typically buy themselves out of any problem.
However, if society collapses during an apocalypse, there is a very good chance that money will have little-to-no value. So why should one make friends with a billionaire? No, it’s not because they might have a bunker or a rocket ship to potentially escape the end times.
They’re a food source. Obviously!
Ever heard of the phrase eat the rich? By making friends with a billionaire pre-apocalypse, it’ll help ingratiate yourselves into their lives. And once the end of the world occurs, you will have a reliable source of food in the form of the billionaire. While cannibalism should never be considered as a tactic in normal times, these aren’t normal times and billionaires don’t count as people and therefore, can be cooked and/or grilled until the meat is to your liking. Add a little ketchup or steak sauce that you’ve sourced from a shady man living in an abandoned supermarket and voila! You’ll have a meal fit for a king. Don’t worry about the moral implications: billionaires have little value outside of the nutrients they can provide, and no one will miss them because they are all terrible.
2. It’s a…Black Hole? WTF even is that?
You may have heard that the world is ending via a rogue black hole that has made its way to our galaxy. Bummer, huh? The odds of such a thing occurring are staggering. One in a trillion! You should buy a lottery ticket!
Much is unknown about black holes. Are they a vast destructive force in which no living thing has a hope for survival? Probably, yes!
But what if that wasn’t the only thing they could do?
What if the black hole was a wormhole that led to another galaxy and/or dimension? What should you do to prepare should the Earth not be destroyed and is instead transported to another corner of the galaxy or universe?
To be quite honest, nothing. There is nothing you can do. On the minuscule chance that the Earth is magically*** transported to another galaxy, chances are that you will not survive the journey as your body would be ripped apart down to a molecular level across space and time. But it’s fun to think about, isn’t it? Nothing, not even the heat death of the universe, can stop imagination! Until you die, that is.
***the word “magically” is used in this scenario because the math involved is too hard to explain. Don’t worry; I know all the math. Which is why you can trust me when I say math and magic are pretty much the same thing.
3. Make an Apocalypse Buddy!
It helps to have someone by your side during an apocalyptic event. Not a billionaire, of course, as they are food. Rather, you will want someone you can trust, someone who won’t stab you in the back and betray you to a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang in exchange for cans of pinto beans.
If the apocalypse is a known event happening in the near future, consider placing a personal ad in your local newspaper (if one still exists). The ad should be short and to the point. Consider the following example:
SEEKING A BUDDY FOR GOOD TIMES!
YOU:
--must be fit (this will help to ensure your buddy is in tip-top shape!)
--must be over 30 and under 60 (an age range allows for no misunderstandings!)
--must have face/body pics (to make sure you’re not being catfished by a twenty-two-year-old twink!)
ME:
--can host (this will let any potential buddy know you have a safe house!)
--versatile (this proves you are capable in any situation!)
--eight inches (this shows you can measure!)
Once you and your buddy have met, size them up. Ask them questions like “Do you have a problem with eating a billionaire?” or “Have you ever played the video game series Fallout? This is sort of like that. Yeah, the TV show counts.”
If they do not look like they described or they are unable/unwilling to partake in the flank steak of a man with too much money, that’s okay! Everyone else is probably already scrambling for their lives, so chances are this is as best as it’s going to get. But just think!
At least you don’t have to do it alone.
And isn’t that the most important thing? I think so.
Remember: have fun, fuck ICE, and see you on the other side!
baratheonpilled
dailybridgerton
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
prguitarman
kianamaiart
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
