If there was a prize for this, I would certainly be in the running for a win. It seems that ever since I was a kid, I was great at leading the pack in my own direction, voicing my opinions, breaking rules, going on solo adventures, and fearlessly just being M.E.
In primary school, I remember the two groups of girls I hung out with turning against me one day, banding together and being as mean as kids could be. From that day, I decided I liked hanging out with boys more, because quite frankly, they’re just not as vicious. They’re open and honest, like to adventure more, get muddy, and most importantly – they tell you straight when you piss them off, and like magic, they get over it as fast as you can apologise.
There’s no coldess, bitching behind your back, name calling, or mocking.
There’s no silence that goes on for so long that they forget WHY in fact they were pissed off with you to begin with, but remain strong in their stubborn ways to keep their back turned.
Fast-forward to high school and times didn’t exactly change. I tried again to make girl friends, and while I was used to them stabbing me in the back and could thus prepare for it; I had in fact, often just gone with the flow when it was someone else’s turn to be shunned. MORE often though, I was teased for my acne, lack of ‘labelled’ clothing, or whatever other petty things that teens used to care about before mobile phones existed.
I was also friends with boys, but of course, as teenagers evolve, most of those friendships were about deciding if I LIKE-liked them, who my ‘soul mate’ was, and playing out in my head how my first kiss would go. Turns out, I would get drunk for the first time a week after my 16th birthday, have my first cigarette and first pash all in one night. Typical.
High school certainly wasn’t my favourite time as I battled with endometriosis, being different, my often attention-seeking choice of fashion, bullying, deciding who I wanted to be, and friendships that constantly changed. Reflecting back on my diaries, I was also very pained with which boy I liked from one week to the next. I spent a lot of time out of class because of my illness, and remember finding more comfort in my own company, than that of others, with Mum kindly saying to me one night as I was blarring Portishead in my room, ‘you always have been a loner Monique’. Nice one Mum.
Now, 20 years on, I’m still that same girl.
I still have bouts of pain from my endometriosis because I refuse to go back on the pill or get another operation.
I’m still evolving into ‘who I am’ and love to be in my own company – walking, doing yoga, creating new clothes, listening to music and dancing around the house like a crazy with my cat.
Most importantly though; I’m still voicing my opinions about life, society, what I’ve done, who I am, what I think, where I’ve been, and who I will continue to be.
For this, I’m often not liked.
For my past exploits, for voicing opinions, for sharing my adventures, for posting photos on social media of the places I’ve visited (remember we only post the good shit, never the mundane bowls of porridge, visits to the osteo, tears or unproductive days); for speaking my truth; for questioning others loyalties; and, well, for just being M.E.
Sometimes I don’t even know WHAT I’ve done for people to not like me, but sure enough, there is always some made up reason that they don’t want to discuss with me directly, but of course, want to hold a grudge over it for months and years to come. I enjoy the guessing, and getting into my head about it of course, just like everyone else does.
The surprising one that’s stuck with me for quite some months though, is how many friends (and family) you can upset and even lose, when planning your own wedding. On a day that is all about you and your beloved coming together to commit to each other for life, you have a bunch of people that want to be there for various reasons, yet we often hear that half of your guestlist over 50 won’t be heard from over the next year. You can of course escape this by planning a small wedding right? With just a handful of guests you know will just be undeniably happy to see the two of you coming together without any questions of your love, commitment and intentions. Hmmmm. Seems I’m wrong on that one too.
It appears that even when you grow up and have a small circle of friends and family you’ve come to know and trust; that they can still get caught up in your moment, and be disappointed that they aren’t invited, and again, turn their back on you. Some even making sure the drive the dagger in deep, so they know they will be heard.
But why? On YOUR special day, do they care so much about being there when you’ve only heard from them a handful of times in the last year, and most certainly would’t be there to pick up the pieces if life turned sour?
I’ve thought about this long and hard, and can only come to the conclusions of which I’ve never understood about society and the expectations we SHOULD live up to.
On this day of such importance to you and your forever-love, the people around you don’t seem to take into account how you’re feeling, what you want, how you want to see your day go, why you don’t want a lot of people there, the money you’re putting into it, and why you can’t always invite partners. Hell, I couldn’t even invite both of my parents without worrying that world war three would break out!
People seem to lose sight of what the day of your wedding in fact represents, and only care about being involved in the party that you’re planning around it.
They don’t consider that you want them there deeply, but also want to keep it private, small and intimate because you’re both introverts.
They don’t consider that you don’t want to worry about the drama of having to ‘mind’ other peoples emotions, pent up resentment or hatred towards each other.
They don’t consider that you can’t have everyone you want because the guest list would be imbalanced.
They don’t consider that some people can’t afford flights, or accomodation to be there on your special day and you can only help out so much because they truly mean the world to you.
They don’t consider that it’s a long day of travel for a short amount of time on the ground, and this in itself can reek havoc on emotions, hormones, and energy levels.
They don’t understand that you don’t really want a wedding; but also don’t want to miss out on actually celebrating the most important, special and romantic day of your life so it will forever be remembered in your heart.
To date, my biggest life rant to date, is that of the ‘wedding’. The pressure to include everyone. To please everyone. To listen to everyone’s opinions. To constantly hear about how you’ve disappointed others by not including them on your day. To be ripped off by people wanting to sell you a dress for $5000 that you’ll wear once. To have your tropical ceremony cost a small fortune. To upset others to the point that they are no longer speaking to you, yet, can’t seem to explain why they are so hurt by not being invited to the most intimate day of your life.
For some reason, the ‘wedding day’, seems to overtake the commitment that you’re making to one another. It seems to overtake the fact that you’re not just having a wedding day celebration, but you’re starting a marriage together that you intend on being forever. It seems to stop being about the two of you coming together to start one of life’s greatest adventures, and starts to become the most stressful, emotional rollercoasters you will ever ride, and instead of being supported by others; they will do their best to make you feel bad about the careful decisions you’ve had to make.
Never being one who strived to fit in, I admit that the wedding day I’ve planned is nothing that society expects it be.
I didn’t buy a ‘wedding dress’; I bought a white dress from a Cambodian born, Parisian designer based in Phnom Penh.
My shoes were custom made in Malaysia and don’t have diamantes on them.
We still haven’t 100% confirmed the location of our Melbourne ceremony (much to the photographer and celebrants dismay)
We don’t have a 5 tier wedding cake, but a cake that will taste like cookies and look like a bears face (ok, I changed the topping to be white at the last minute…)
I don’t have something borrowed, something blue, something old, and something new to wear on the day.
I won’t be ”given away” by my father (I was never his to give in the first place)
Our cat will most likely be at the Melbourne ceremony.
Our celebration in Thailand is an unexpected mix of Buddhist and Hindu traditions. I can’t tell you more than that because I literally don’t know.
I decided to be wild a cut a fringe last week, considering I can pin it back if I don’t like it. Most brides won’t touch their hair style within a YEAR of their wedding.
I don’t know how I’m going to have my hair on the day.
It’s going to be super cold in Melbourne in May for the ‘beach ceremony’ we have semi planned; but chances are, it would have been in february too.
I will be marrying the love of my life, and intend on that being FOREVER.
If I had to do it all again, I would 1000% just elope to escape the heartache; but as always, one thing that most certainly not lost in all of the drama leading up to our day, is the lessons we both have learned, and the fact our love and bond has only grown stronger because of it.
I might have been a loner for most of my life to date, but I’m forever grateful that I’ve found the perfect partner to spend the rest of my days being alone with.
To all the friends and family that have been forever supportive in our wishes and decisions, THANK-YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank-you for understanding that it’s not because we don’t love, care for and cherish you for all that you give. Thank-you for not pressuring us to include you. Thank-you for being happy for us, for seeing our bond for the depth that it has, and for never making us feel guilty for wanting to celebrate our special day in our own way. For this, you mean the world, and I can only hope that you all know EXACTLY who you are.
How to lose friends If there was a prize for this, I would certainly be in the running for a win.
