Peter has spider instincts and he can control them eighty percent of the time of course Peter hasn't told Tony of this Tony finds out when Peter comes back in to the compound kitchen covered in blood and a look of extreme satisfaction on his face (he ate a deer and fought a bear) and after Peter's shower they have a talk
(QUICK NOTE: We wrote this at 4:30 am. Just… just remember that, okay?)
(italics are kat/@losingmymindtonight and regular is shannon/@parkrstark)
Okay… so… there’s a lot to unpack here.
First of all: why would a spider FIGHT A BEAR
Where did he FIND A BEAR in NYC??
Did he kill the deer himself or did he steal the deerfrom a bear and that’s why he fought one?
Do spiders even eat deer?
I love how serious you’re going into this
This is IMPORTANT STUFF SHANNON
Listen. If Peter can control his spider instincts 80% ofthe time then that means that 20% of his life he CAN’T
Which means he spends about 73 days a year just… punchingbears and eating deer
He should get that checked out
“Bruce… Bruce we’ve got a teenie little problem”
Okay okay so I looked into it and the biggest animal Ican find record of a spider eating is a bird or a rat so i’m not sure how wegot a deer here
WHY ARE YOU LOOKING THIS UP. YOUR BROWSER HISTORY IS ALREADYQUESTIONABLE FROM YOUR WHUMP RESEARCH
So Upstate New York’s black bear population is currentlyestimated at 6,000-8,000. That means that if Peter kills a black bear everytime he loses control of his “spider instincts,” it will take him about 83years to eradicate the entire population (assuming that the bears aren’treproducing)
Significantly less if he can knock out two each episode
Do you like my science Shannon?
#1 I think that’s math #2 I could be wrong about #1 becauseI always skipped science class #3 why are you like this
I imagine that Tony thought #3 too when Peter camewaltzing into the Compound covered in blood and deer guts
On that note: CAN YOU BELIEVE TONY LET HIM TAKE A SHOWERBEFORE TALKING ABOUT THIS
BUT IF YOU ROLLED INTO MY HOUSE COVERED IN BITS OF DEAD DEER
I can assure you, I will never come to your house covered indead deer
Why did he eat the deer but not the bear
SEE NOW YOU’RE GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT
Do deer taste better than bears?
I await a response with baited breath
Truly how did I live before knowing the answer to thisquestion
So apparently bear meat can taste pretty nasty if thebear has been eating a lot of salmon or carrion
So maybe it was just a really nasty bear
And Peter was like “nah. Let me get at that raw deer meatinstead”
So maybe Peter tracks the bear’s diet before attacking it
Do you think he kills the bear or does he just
Roundhouse kick it in the jaw
And the bear is just like “yessir”
Maybe he just knocks it out and then… calls it a day
Maybe he’s already full from the deer???
Which came first: the deer or the bear
Does he just… get the urge to fight bears??? Or does heget the urge to eat deer and therefore fights bears for their deer carcasses???
Maybe the deer guts on him attracted the bear so he had tofight off the bear. He didn’t want to kill it, it was just self defense
Because even in spider instinct mode, Peter is still achill bro
I just googled “is there a bear-fighting spider”
There isn’t, but apparently there IS a sport known asspider fighting
Which is exactly what it sounds like
Spiders fighting each other?
Is it like a game?? A mating ritual??
DIRECTLY FROM WIKIPEDIA: “In the United States, spider-fighting is also prevalentin prisons in Florida, where inmates catch them and keep them in boxes as pets.In 2002, a fight between three inmates over the theft of a pet spider resultedin life-threatening skull injuries to one inmate and additional charges to theother two.”
Life gets rough in the big house
You have to rely on spider fights
“Life threatening skull injuries”
That must have been one hell of a spider, to warrant that
Also, the ambiguity of “they have a talk” is just………there’s so much option there
There is NO info about Tony’s reaction AT ALL
I’d hope his reaction involves some concern
“Comes back to the kitchen” also means that they were justchilling in the kitchen, probably talking about some cool suit upgrades, whenPeter was suddenly like, “hold on, fam, spider instincts, gotta eat a deer” andthen goes out and comes back after however long it takes him to do this
“Peter? What did you even DO?!”
“Oh, you know. Killed a deer, fought a bear.”
“You fought a WHAT NOW?!”
“There is not a species of spider ALIVE that does thisshit, Peter. THIS IS NOT NORMAL WHAT THE FUCK”
“WAIT. DID YOU EAT RAW, UNPROCESSED DEER MEAT??? DEARGOD. BRUCE??? PETER NEEDS A RABIES SHOT ASAP”
“Some spiders hibernate, some eat deer.”
Listen. We as a society need to accept ALL types ofspiders, strange bear fighting habits and all
And this conversation happens after the shower… does Tonyask or does he just shove him right into the bathroom?
Does he think it’s human blood at first??????
“Do we need this hide a body??? PETER??? DO WE NEED TOHIDE A BODY???”
IMMEDIATE SUPPORT FROM IRONDAD
If he has a satisfied look on his face, does that meanthat Peter’s spider instincts are still going off or does the normal humanPeter just see…… no problem with this turn of events???
Is he satisfied with the taste of the deer or the outcome ofthe bear fight?????
Maybe he’s used to it and he’s just riding that spiderinstinct high for a little while longer
Does Peter’s bucket list just look like:
1. Meet Mark Hamill2. Build a Lego Death Star3. Go to Comic Con4. Fight a fucking bear5. Pet a Dalmation
Okay but the concept of the instincts being like a highis HELLA amusing to me
“Yeah hi my name is Peter and I get high off of DECKINGBEARS and MURDERING DEER with my BARE HANDS”
Does he always eat deer? Or is it this like steadyprogression of animals. Maybe he started small with like squirrels and slowlymoves his way up the animal kingdom
The endgame is a blue whale
“Mr. Stark, can we go on a cruise?”
Just, for a sec, imagine Peter fighting a blue whale
How do you even fight something that big???
Does he nibble on it slowly and the whale doesn’t evenrealize it
Or does he fucking pick it up by the tail and bodyslam itback and forth
“Happy? Where’s the kid?”
“Ah shit. He’s trying to eat a damn whale again.”
So now Tony knows the 20% of Peter’s life where he losescontrol…..what does he do??? Does he lock him in the Compound with some cookeddeer meat? Does he let him loose with a really long leash? Does he follow himaround spray bottle filled with water for when he tries going after the wronganimals?
Peter sees a squirrel and starts foaming at the mouth andTony just pulls out a spray bottle and sprays him in the face
“No! Bad Peter! Leave it!”
“If you’re good I’ve got some raw bison waiting at homewith your name on it”
“This time I won’t try hiding vegetables in the rottingcarcass.”
“No, you still have to eat them! You’re still a growingspider…boy…thing”
I love how we just assume that Tony would just look atthis situation and go “…this is fine”
Maybe he’s afraid he’ll be the next snack if he upsets Peter
Peter just starts gnawing on one of the receptionists andTony runs over with the spray bottle like “SPIT IT OUT”
…. we’re getting into dangerous territory now
“DAMNIT PETER. I CAN’T LOSE ANOTHER WORKER. NOT AGAIN.”
Poor Jenny Carter came into work wearing her fox coat. Shewas never seen again.
You know what? Serves her right for supporting the peltindustry
Peter wears Jenna like a coat
But only when he’s high on spider juices
Tony has an important business meeting and the other personkeeps staring down at Tony’s leg in concern. Peter is gnawing at his anklebecause that last deer just wasn’t enough.
Tony’s like “WHAT’S THE MATTER YOU NEVER SEEN A SPIDERFEEDING BEFORE”
Peter never actually hurts Tony because even as a highspider, the irondad bond is too strong. And Tony trusts him enough to let ithappen
…… are you making this cute right now
Tony keeps a bag full of dried strips of meat on him tolet Peter chew on during his “episodes”
Happy mistakes it for jerky one day
HAPPY WOULD BE SO FUCKING DONE
*Peter is chewing on Tony’s shoulder*
“TONY THIS IS NOT NORMAL”
“But look how cute he is”
“TONY HE’S TRYING TO EAT YOU”
“He’s giving me kisses. What a good son”
“THIS WAS NOT IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION TONY”
Happy is disrupting Peter’s peace so when he’s complainingto Tony, Peter gets really close and Happy flinches expecting to lose an armbut Peter just slaps him across the face with his dried meat strip
Tony’s grinning. “That’s right, buddy. Bad Happy. Shameon you, Hap. Look at him. He’s an angel”
“You’re right, kiddo. Bad Happy needs a spray.”
“Tony, don’t you.. I swear to god if you—”
TONY GETS SO USED TO USING THE SPRAY BOTTLE THAT ONE DAYIN A MEETING HE JUST BUSTS IT OUT WHEN ONE OF THE STOCKHOLDERS IS BEINGDIFFICULT AND SPRAYS HIM IN THE FACE
So what state does Peter revert to while he’s in this spiderkilling mode… what kind of state of mind does he have? Like he’s high? He’sdrunk? He’s a toddler? He’s a dog?
He seems like a mix between a toddler/a dog/and a dogaddict
Sorry, I was just projecting there
He’s addicted to petting puppies
And chewing on them…. There was that one reallyunfortunate incident at the animal shelter….
They don’t talk about that… Lucky gets by with three legsfine now.
Shannon do you realize this is the most elaborateheadcanon we’ve ever done
This may be my favorite one yet
… Shannon we can do crack now too
Crack, whump, and fluff: THE HOLY TRINITY
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