𐕣 HIGH DESERT HERETIC †

moved to @ heresypropaganda

[godhatescowboys]

Uhhh

[godhatescowboys]

Yk what I might retire this blog I keep forgetting it exists lmfao

[godhatescowboys]

Uhhh redoing this blog perhaps…… :/

[godhatescowboys]

I find the concept of “post-yap clarity” kind of funny because why is everyone so afraid of experiencing symptoms of adhd/autism…

[priezpourlui]

[godhatescowboys]

💢 BEFORE YOU INTERACT…

I am an adult but I am still an adult with autism and I suck at getting my point across and tend to be a “cancel culture scape goat”…. that being said, you’re gonna look stupid jumping to insane conclusions about anything I say… just say I don’t make sense rather than calling me a huge fucking bigot with no plausibility. no one actually doing shit to change this awful existence is on the internet calling people out. go outside & touch grass for fucks sake. get a job/hobby, jesus christ… internet discourse has gotta be one of the worst things to exist and is a huge waste of time + energy. I hate it here!

CONSIDER:

critical thinking

nuance

context

tone

miscommunication

SO…. if you’re rude, I will either block you or decide to have a little fun and be rude back. I’m starting to wonder if you’re all masochists who crave conflict & “rage bait”. So please only interact in good faith and approach with a proper understanding of the context. & obviously be respectful + kind… I mean… shouldn’t you treat everyone how you want to be treated??? Do you need to go back to kindergarten??? …

ALSO: don’t be afraid to send asks or share comments! (or whatever else) this may be a personal journal type of blog, but I am not opposed to interaction, in fact I value it!

[achillesinhighheels]

[godhatescowboys]

02242026 (around 08pm)

By the end of this week, I will have to provide some sort of speech, and in a few days, I will have to make recording of myself. Both of those times I will be speaking on the subject of how I’ve recently had a violent encounter of political repression in the form of police brutality. The federal agents that beat me up till there was blood everywhere, and I had a broken tooth, were insanely transphobic and misogynistic to me the entire time I was being held captive. I still don’t know how to feel about the possibility of revealing to the online world and everyone that attends this conference, that I’m transgender. Unfortunately, I can’t really go around saying that I’m “proud of who I am despite constant oppression, yet still fighting for the rights of other minorities”, while continuing to hide my true identity by being stealth, as to avoid worse discrimination.

It puzzles me when my friends say I pass so well and that some of them even had no clue that I’m trans for the longest time, when random strangers still love to transvestigate me, clock me, then comment all sorts of unoriginal transphobic remarks lacking in the creative department. So if you’re gonna call me a slur, you better do it correctly. (That’s Mr. Faggot to you.)

I have been given these challenging decisions and even encouraged by many to speak the truth. To tell the world who I really am and why I experienced this recent violence. All this pondering got me thinking about why I decided to “go stealth” in the first place. I know exactly why I decided to step back from being out & proud. And it just so happens to be something that I think most people will be skeptical towards, and likely not believe me. I might even face discrimination for it. The reason I stopped telling people that I’m trans, actually had nothing to do with the existence of cisgender society. Rather, it had everything to do with how I was being treated by my own people within my own community. I hate to admit how much I’ve let it affect me. And I’m even more guilty to admit that I spent so much time online, that interacting with online community has become a problem. So it’s now something I try to avoid as much as I can. Nevertheless, I often forget about my own crippling fears, and often my desire for attention happens to overwhelm my tendency for avoidance. Somehow, every time I make an attempt to get involved in online queer “safe spaces”, I find out the hard way that these spaces tend to be anything but safe. It’s absolutely mind boggling to me that there’s people who claim to be “supportive of everyone”, but suddenly when an autistic trans guy like me says something slightly off, perhaps poorly worded, (even though the fault for my poor communication falls anywhere but upon me), these people who go around boasting about how radical or woke or accepting they are, reveal their true colors. If you’re someone who is active in discussions about trans rights, but secretly call a trans guy a “sensitive pick me white woman- I mean man” and tell him to “shut up birthday boy” for simply being confused about something… you are not an ally. You are a traitor. In fact you’re a hypocritical piece of shit and I’ve never met anyone so rude outside of the internet… You can’t claim to be for trans rights if you’re going to be transphobic to fellow trans people who happen to have slightly different perspectives than you do… It makes no sense.

In real life, a place that I frequently consume myself with, people don’t think the same things. You feel as if because you’re anonymous on the internet, you have the power to say whatever you want with zero consequences. But that’s just not how it works. You should feel guilty for saying those things. And I hope it haunts you for the rest of your life. I hope it haunts you that you hurt someone that meant no ill intent, hurt someone that frequently takes extreme measures to fight for the liberation of queer people as well as other minorities. I am in the streets looking for a brighter day, and what exactly have you accomplished? Spreading lies and confusion and enforcing dividing binaries and strict suffocating roles upon queer people who have already fought so hard to escape a society that tries its damn hardest to make us uncomfortable and miserable? Turning to the queer community as an escape from our awful reality shouldn’t make you feel as if you’re encountering the same oppressive society, just with a trans flag sticker slapped on top of it. The queer community has always been a place where people could be their true selves and express themselves freely without worrying about others having a say in it. What has happened to that loving community that I had once known?

It’s a shame that so many good things have been completely flipped around by the existence of social media….

I should probably cut this journal entry short. At least my post should not be any longer than this.

I will still continue to write on my own.

[godhatescowboys]

02202026 (around 03am)

You would think that I would be over the death of a lover that happened around 4 years ago by now but nope! I just spent half the night (it’s basically morning now…) listening to incredibly depressing love songs, most of which just so happen to touch on the subject of loss. The other of half of my night consisted of me listening to 2nd wave slowcore and Midwest emo whining about gay yearning… god.

I wish I knew how to get this guy to talk to me more. I don’t know why but we seem to have drifted apart. Maybe I am just overthinking it. Maybe I’m just reading too much into things. He probably never even liked me that way. I didn’t even really notice him until a month or two after we already crossed paths. He offered me a cigarette once in that time and I thought nothing of it. I didn’t even acknowledge his existence at the time. Just some dude who had a cigarette. Little did I know we’ve probably met before, way before we ended up in the same circle of friends. We went to the same punk shows, we listened to the same bands, we had the same interests, even dressed in a similar fashion. Years ago we could have talked, we could have become best friends, we may have even dated. But star-crossed narratives never seem to work out in the end. So maybe that’s just what happened. Maybe that’s all this is. Maybe we are just a couple of adults who used to be kids. A couple of adults who became too jaded with the way the world seems to always kick us all down at our worst. And now we’ve had enough of it and decided to do something about it, allowing for our paths to cross again. We’re completely different people now. So it’s no wonder I didn’t recognize him. Never mind that when I told him that I thought I knew everyone in my scene and everyone seemed to know about me, he didn’t seem to remember anything. And I thought of it as some kind of sick twist of fate, that he didn’t know who I was back then. But at least I’ve gotten to know him now. But I can’t help but feel I’ve fucked up in some way. I somehow just realized that the entire time we’ve been friends, I don’t think I’ve ever properly asked him how he himself is doing. Rather, he is always checking up on me after I feel as if hes avoiding me. But now I’m wondering if it was really me who was being avoidant. He does seem to care about me somewhat. Even if just as a friend.

[godhatescowboys]

can u give me some country song recs pleaseee bro

Apologies for taking so long to answer this :(

Anyway, I actually don’t listen to country music all that much (I have a 13 hour playlist of country music)

So here’s some playlists I have:

this one has more than just country, it’s mostly just songs that have cowboy vibes:

THIS playlist is the 13 hour playlist and probably the best I have country wise. (I plan to add more too) there’s all sorts of eras and styles, I tend to lean more towards like rock n roll country, dark country/southern gothic, or soft folksy country. :

Hope you enjoy :)

[godhatescowboys]

𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧-𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐡. “𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞” :

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

【 ⚧︎ | ⚣ | ∞ 】

☰ 𝗡𝗘𝗪 ➔ 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚖 ✚ ᯤ 𝘀𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 ✚ (more TBA)

ᴩꜱᴇᴜᴅᴏɴyᴍ: 𝙎𝙋𝙀𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙍 𝙎𝙃𝙀𝙋𝙃𝙀𝙍𝘿 ᴩʀᴏɴᴏᴜɴꜱ: 𝘏𝘌/𝘏𝘐𝘔 ɢᴇɴᴅᴇʀ: 𝘊𝘖𝘞𝘉𝘖𝘠 ᴩʀᴇꜰᴇʀᴇɴᴄᴇ: 𝘊𝘖𝘔𝘙𝘈𝘋𝘌 ᴀɢᴇ: ▇▇ (20s) ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ??: 𝘌𝘕𝘍𝘗

Not entirely sure what I should put here if I’m being honest. I love writing and I’ve been writing almost daily since I was in high school… so that is… a lot of years. I don’t want to disclose my exact age on this blog and will try to be as vague as possible about my life. I am autistic however, and oversharing is something that I do struggle with… on top of that, I love talking about myself and my life for some reason… As well as being autistic, I am also a transgender male. It took me a long time to come to terms with being trans because several reasons. One being that I used to be active in feminist movements with people who would criticize or even harass me for expressing any interest in masculinity. I’ve since embraced my masculinity and found a sense of joy and near holiness within the fact that I too can take part in the act of creation, my own creation. This touches on the other subject of my delayed self discovery, the fact that I grew up in a religious cult. The cult I grew up in is in fact a legit cult, though many do not view it that way, after living in the church for more than half my life, completing almost all of their creepy little rituals, being subjected to advanced levels of psychological torture, then finding a therapist who helped me find out about this abuse, I have since discovered that I had spent my life under a metaphorical rock, brutally crushing my spirit along with it. I’m not entirely sure how I spent so long in leftist politics without realizing I was living under the same oppressive forces I claimed to be so against. The Mormon church is historically known for not only being an active participant, but also a guiding force in a majority of indigenous erasure and genocide in the west. This came as a huge shock to me being that I have indigenous ancestry as well as some indigenous relatives who were forced into even worse conditions than I was. I have since been adamant in re-learning so much of what I was indoctrinated into for so many years, and it has been a very long, very difficult process that is still ongoing. I’ve learned how to recognize my privilege and decolonize my mind. I work hard every day to improve myself while fighting for the rights of others. I now identify as agnostic, mainly because I’m still trying to shake off the years of indoctrination from the Mormon church. My current beliefs are somewhere along the lines of “there might be a god, but I have better things to worry about right now like the fact that we live in a late stage capitalism dystopia.”

That is all for now, might add more later!

[ishyneverlies]

Middle schoolers and high schoolers shouldn’t be protesting against ICE and it’s extremely sad that people are getting arrested and tased over protesting. MOST adults should stop being stupid and protest more so we can finally get heard! missing a single class period for taking advantage of our first amendment rights shouldn’t put us into much trouble, even if it’s truancy. I can’t believe i’m saying this on an art account but cmon.

anyways fuck ice and their nazi selfs,

Ishy out!!

[godhatescowboys]

As an older activist that organizes these school walkouts, it really does induce a feeling of bittersweet melancholy to see so many students doing more than most adults will even begin to attempt. Seeing all the young people risk their comfort for the sake of others is a beautiful reminder of how passionate, loving, and revolutionary the youth can be. Stay strong. Stay fighting. Stay brave. You youth have so much more power than you realize and your voices are so important. Be loud and be proud, but most importantly always be kind. (& careful!) Please never forget this. I wish I still had the same revolutionary optimism as a student activist lighting a US flag on fire for the first time. Please never let that revolutionary fire go out. Stay youthful forever.

[godhatescowboys]

It’s a Willie Nelson, Woody Guthrie, and Johnny Cash type of night……

[godhatescowboys]

I can’t believe I have to say this but please!!! Good faith arguments only!!! Do not interact if you can’t play nice!

I’ve already experienced enough transphobia and even actual brutality from the system as is, I do not need my own community turning against me. This post was made purely with the best intentions in mind. So I’m sorry if it doesn’t come off that way. I really trying to be respectful here. Be kind with your thoughts and I will be kind in return. If you came here for rage bait? Well…. There’s a reason most elder queers are so “mean”.

I’ve just been really angry lately and especially at all this online identity politics discourse happening and it’s got to the point where I can’t stay silent anymore and have to speak up about it. My life (along with so many others…) is genuinely in danger as a trans person living in the US and it’s pissing me off that there’s this trend currently dominating the queer community and it’s not doing anything to help, it only seems to be causing more conflict, confusion, distraction, exclusion, and infighting. My anger is righteous and I won’t listen to anyones bad faith arguments on the matter. I got shit to do as someone who cares about trans rights, and frankly I don’t have time to engage in discourse…

If you don’t believe me that trans lives are genuinely in danger for just existing and being trans…? you need a MASSIVE privilege check…. wake up. I can’t even talk about what happened & is still currently happening to me for legal reasons. But I assure you the enemy doesn’t care that they were transphobic or transandrophobic or transmisogynistic or whatever. They just hate us for being trans. Not only do they hate us, they want us fucking dead.

Apologies if this comes off as disrespectful or dismissive, I am NOT trying to shut down all discussion or telling anyone to stop discussing their feelings. What we’re doing now is great. It’s definitely a start… Unfortunately I think we need a little more than trans visibility & label claiming & term coining right now. What we need is trans liberation. We need revolution.

We need to get angry and start throwing bricks again. No more nice queers. We got to have mass queer solidarity to join together against a common enemy. Why are we fighting in comments?? We are all in this together…

Again, I am not trying to be rude! I am just begging that we get off social media and take this anger to the streets and start fighting the true enemy, in the real world. You may think you’re safe now, but you won’t be safe in the future if you don’t take action against everything that is currently going on.

Just because you feel comfortable with compliance doesn’t mean others are not suffering as a result of your silence.

We cannot continue to hide behind a screen and do nothing to fight for our rights in the real world. We’re living in blissful ignorance. Actions speak louder than words, and all this inaction speaks volumes infinitely louder than all the words online. It really is that bad out there. We need to get off our phones or else more of us are gonna die. I wish I was joking or even just exaggerating but unfortunately I am not. This is really happening. Unless we do something now, the future will have nothing.

+ friendly reminder that acab includes identity police! Stop being so authoritarian unless we all get real chill about it real quick. Unfortunately I don’t think that’s very realistic.

🦗

[godhatescowboys]

What god did I piss off so badly that all of this shit is happening to me.

[godhatescowboys]

“I have realistic transition goals!!!!!”

Some random side character from a scooby doo movie:

[godhatescowboys]

okay I may be really high but…

Something that pisses me off about being trans is that no matter what you do there will always be someone, whether it be (usually) a cis man.. or another trans person for some reason…

It’s that you will always appear to be “too woke”.

Our literal identities will be deemed woke. I mean I don’t control who I am. I’m just some dude for all you know. I’m just like the rest of you and (because of capitalist colonialism brainwashing) I sometimes want to be just like you. Just to fit in.

And yeah, that is stupid. No one should ever be forced to “fit in” I hate the norm. I’m a queer autistic, existentialist, anti-conformist.

So yeah I don’t want to fit the norm unfortunately it’s just pushed onto me because of the way the world is. It has a norm. And I clearly don’t fit it. I don’t fit in at all. But it’s forced upon us to blend in and be like everyone else for our SAFETY. This shit sucks.

And the fact that I am, autistic and all that shit, proving that I’m way more interesting besides “just trans”, but doesn’t matter to you I guess? I’ll just always be the “trans man.”

Fuck you.

Another thing we are all thinking but not saying is that, yeah, trans men are also seen as “cringe” way too often. even the passing ones.

Gender roles are bullshit. What do you mean I gotta be the most manly man ever in order to be considered a real man ????? And you’ve got to be the prettiest woman on earth a literal angel from god???? In order to be considered a real woman???? FUCK SOCIETY. FUCK YOUR BOXES. FUCK STEREOTYPES.

I might be a misanthrope now after typing this out.

It’s also funny that the fact that I type too much is considered cringe, or even of feminine nature?

This patriarchal society forces men to be stupid. It forces them to be assholes or douchebags or whatever. If I even feel an emotion I am not a real man. But then you go and idolize these privileged cis philosophers? Ohhh so deep. So intellectual. So thoughtful. But.. the trans man is too woke?? I just want to have crazy emotions like other philosophers and not deemed pussy.

Don’t even get me started on how anything I say will also be deemed crazy or mentally ill. If a cis man were to say all of this shit you would think it’s smart.