Die in Wonderland

At a tea party with the March Hair, I became the Cheshire Cat wearing the Mad Hatters hat.

[anxietyproblem]

Follow us @anxietyproblem​

[perfectimpulses4m]

A frightening truth

[perfectimpulses4m]

Thank You, For what you've given me

I doubt this will ever be seen, but it means too much to be left unsaid. After the 'How did we get here?' tour show...it just needs to be said...

So thank you @therealjacksepticeye for giving me the one thing that is absolutely priceless. Thank you for doing what I can't.

I've never seen my child so happy and excited when in a large crowd. For one night, for just a few hours you give my almost 9 year old something that no one else has. He got to feel normal, he got to feel like any other child. Ive watched him shed so many tears because his Autism makes him different, and it breaks my heart every time.

My son doesn't like crowds, he doesn't like going out in public...even parks can be too much for him at times. Yet, that night I watched him not only be okay surrounded by so many people but he was excited. His smile is bigger then I've seen it in years. I almost cried watching him and the show hadn't even started yet.

He watched your videos the whole 2hr drive there and the 2 hour drive home. I asked him why he was okay in such a large crowd and surrounded by so many people when the park is to much for him if there's more then 4 kids. His response is why I'm writing this.

He told me "Because I got to see Jack. I wasnt different cause they're all his friends too. I want to be like him when I grow up and have a lot of friends just like he does. It's going to be awesome."

It's hard to describe what it feels like and how much it means to me. I can't say thank you enough for that gift @therealjacksepticeye. You're the cause of his laughter and his smile when he comes home with that look of sadness that breaks my heart. You give him something that no one else has...You've given a 9 year old a hero to believe in, a friend that's always there when he feels alone, and so much more.

[perfectimpulses4m]

It's already started and now it's just a matter of time.

[perfectimpulses4m]

Sometimes I wish I could do this and not be judged. I don't want it constantly, maybe for ten minutes or maybe an hour. Then I'm okay, and I'll be alright. I'll leave you alone for hours or days but then I'll be back to do it again.

[perfectimpulses4m]

No matter how many times you try to piece it together, there will always be cracks that can't be erased.

[perfectimpulses4m]

I wish I could show you... What's behind the smile What's behind the laughter What's behind the anger What's behind the shyness What's behind the tears I wish I could show you... The real me The me no one else knows The me I want you to fall in love with As much as I wish for that, I can't. I'm trying, honestly I am. It'll come out slowly, It might take some time. I can't promise it'll happen fast I can't promise it'll be easy. Please understand I'm trying I'm terrified Somethings I can't control I love you enough to show you what's inside

[perfectimpulses4m]

It's sad but true...

I'm sensitive to an extreme, Even though I hide it just as well. If you look at me strangely or not at all If you tell me to stop talking or don't talk to me at all If you dont answer me or take really long. If I think logically or not that you like someone else You could do it by accident or don't even realize you did anything at all. It will change my mood for the whole day. Corrupt my mind for the whole night. I'll imagine the worst and assume it must be true. I'm afraid you'll forget me, when all I want is to stay by your side. It seems so easy for everyone else to forget.

[perfectimpulses4m]

[perfectimpulses4m]

[perfectimpulses4m]

And perhaps it's for the best...

[perfectimpulses4m]

Then someone helps you in ways you could never explain.

[perfectimpulses4m]

[perfectimpulses4m]

Every second of every day.

[perfectimpulses4m]

[perfectimpulses4m]

[perfectimpulses4m]

Pretend life is how it should've been

I’m always torn between wanting to explain, just one person or keeping it to myself. If I would decide to do so, to whom should I tell? Just family? Just friends? Just those I hold dearest? Should I just tell those who ask? What if I told one person, or should no one at all. I am never sure if I should let any of them know what’s exactly going on inside of my head, let alone what memories come flooding back on a daily basis. It's a dark and lonely place, just trust me.

The problem is if I didn’t hide I would consistently seem unhappy. To the point it pushes everyone far far away from me. It’s not easily fixed so most would rather walk away. It's a lot to take in and a lot to understand. It's okay I don't blame anyone for turning away.

I’m not easy to deal with. I can be confusing at times. I feel abandoned easily, imagined despite logic. I feel hated and disliked by everyone, and I usually need reminded that I'm not. It's not for attention, because that would be overwhelming. I just want to know, I'm not alone even when my mind says I am.

On the opposing side is the option to hide. Pretend everything is alright and I’m perfectly fine. Everything is great, I'm happy and normal. To do so would mean denying and eventually losing myself. Going so far as to poisoning my own mind in exchange. Force myself deeper and deeper into the darkness that I've come to know.

So what is better? Should I be judged and viewed as melodramatic, pessimistic, and attention seeking? Alternatively should I drown in my own mind, construct more walls, and hope for the best?

[perfectimpulses4m]