i need you out there to hear this.
sometimes your abuser didn’t mean to abuse you.
sometimes your abuser was doing the best they could. their best wasn’t enough. it was harmful. it was cruel.
they may not have known better. they may not have realized the effects of their behaviors and actions and words and choices. they may not have had that understanding.
it may have been how they were raised.
it may have been normalized for them.
it’s not the intent but the effect that matters. their differing perspective or altered recollection does not change what was done. to you.
your abuser may have changed over the years. they may have learned better, or calmed down, or heard you and realized they hurt you.
“i didn’t mean to” “that wasn’t how i saw it/meant it/remember it” “it’s how i was treated and i was fine” “i tried, i didn’t know better, i did my best” “that was so long ago and i’ve changed”
these are explanations at most generous, excuses in bald face.
don’t confuse them for apology. for amends. for repentance or changing of ways.
explanation, excuse, context. they frame a situation, but they don’t rewrite it.
forgiveness is your choice. yours only. you don’t owe it. it’s only healing or worth a damn at all if it’s what you choose, what you need. frankly, forgiveness isn’t even earned. it’s yours to give or not, based on whatever standard is right to you.
but if you’re looking to give forgiveness to the sorry, make sure they’re saying sorry, and not just explaining themselves.
they’re not the same thing.
make sure they’re not trying to explain that, in fact, they didn’t abuse you at all, because of their perspective, because of context.
your scars don’t get erased in the right slant of light.
gummygunk
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
vaporwave
