Oct 16, 2025
Bruce Wayne, the type of parent to get overstimulated and lock himself in the bathroom, pantry, office, etc. Dick Grayson, the type of child to wiggle his fingers under the door, and tell Bruce to let him in
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Bruce Wayne, the type of parent to get overstimulated and lock himself in the bathroom, pantry, office, etc. Dick Grayson, the type of child to wiggle his fingers under the door, and tell Bruce to let him in
When Nightwing tells Justice League members that Batman makes him laugh, obviously, everyone knows that he's joking, because that's Batman. How the hell does That make anybody laugh?
But then really weird things start to happen. Like suddenly, Batman starts making little quips that toe the line between sarcasm and puns. He begins to humor the stupid ideas that other heroes come up with purely for comedic purposes. He even admits things like "Jesus, I'm getting so old, if I hurt my back much more, spin class is going to be an issue."
And the thing is, Batman only does these things when Nightwing is around, and it literally always earns a laugh from the younger hero. Sometimes they high-five after Nightwing recovers from a fit of giggles. At this point, nobody knows that they're father and son, so this type of behavior is just really freaking people out.
Bruce, seeing a vaguely black haired blob-person walk towards him: oh hey dickjasontimcassdukedamian
Blob-person: ?
Bruce, tearing up: I can't tell which of my kids you are
Alfred, who hasn't had a full head of hair since 1940: ...
Alfred: I think we may have given you too many painkillers, Master Bruce.
Tim, holding something behind his back: don’t be mad.
Bruce, already getting mad: I won’t get mad, you can always talk to me. What’s going on?
Tim, revealing a swaddled baby: I messed up when cloning Kon and accidently spilt my DNA into it and now I have a clone baby with my dead situationship.
Bruce, flabbergasted: ..???
Bruce: why were you cloning- when did you start datin- I’m a grandpa?! No, go back, how did you ‘accidently’ spill DNA aren’t you paranoid too????
Tim, who may or may not have been crying over one of the clones and accidently cut his lip trying not to sob and got blood into a test chamber: that’s not important.
Bruce, hyperventilating: why is it so small????
Tim: cause she’s only two months old.
Bruce; I understand that, but even an average two month old should be-…
Bruce: two.
Bruce: you said two months.
Tim: you said you wouldn’t get mad.
Bruce: you hid a baby for TWO MONTHS?!
Tim: I WAS PANICKING LEAVE ME ALONE!
Bruce: IVE BEEN A GRANDPA FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?!
Tim: WELL! I don’t know I’m seventeen, what did you expect?
Bruce, actively loosing brain cells: if you can clone your dead boyfriend-
Tim: we never actually started dating-
Bruce: -then you can tell your father you had a baby.
Tim: …
Tim: I’m not exactly sure what stage of being an adult I am, I started a little young I think.
Tim: but I am a mother now so don’t you dare yell at me.
Bruce: …
Tim: …
Bruce: …
Bruce: … can I hold her?
Tim, grinning in victory: wash your hands first and then you can.
LATER:
Bruce: why is she a girl if you and Kon are both male?
Tim: are you questioning my baby’s gender??? That’s so homophobic, gay men can raise girls.
Bruce: you know damn well I didn’t mean-
There is this image in my head of Batman getting frustrated with cops or the JL at a scene and getting so pissed off that before he is about to storm off after getting the last word in, he just sticks out his hand. He doesn't even say anything but Robin comes over, takes his hand and Batman just marches the two of them away. It starts with Dick. Bruce preferred to have Dick close by in tense situations like those, because one: he's very small and two: Dick is difficult to keep track in the best of times (no, he didn't accidentally storm off once and have to come back for him a few seconds later). It continues with Jason who always reminds Bruce he's not a little kid but is always the last to let go. Then Tim who is puzzled at first when Bruce grabs him by the hand and leads him off after having a back and forth with Commissioner Gordon over a cop who almost accidentally shot Tim. When it comes to Damian, he assumes this is some sort of stratagem and goes along with it. Then Damian gets frustrated with the other Bats or the JL, grabs Bruce's hand and storms off tugging his dad after him.
For reference:
Baby Danny vs The Justice League Pt. 1
Baby Danny Wayne AU
The Flash: uh, bats?
Batman: what?
Flash: what’s that?
Baby Danny: *sitting in Batman’s lap with a Batman onesie on with the fabric cowl pulled over his head and a pacifier the shape of a bat in his mouth*
Batman: this is Baby Bat,
Danny: *making a scary face* bah!
Batman: *nodding* very good, very terrifying.
Flash: …ok
~~~
Danny: *crying loudly while Superman is holding him*
Batman: *digging through a diaper bag* I know you’re hungry, baby. I’m getting you bottle now—
Danny: *suddenly staring at Superman’s chest and making grabby hands* uh! Uh!
Batman: …hon. Superman doesn’t…have that ability…
Danny: *still reaching* nom nom!
Superman: *superman.exe stopped working*
~~~
Wonder Woman: *holding Danny* this is my nephew, I will kill any who harm him
Danny: *staring starstruck at WW*
Wonder Woman: my tiny warrior
~~~
Danny: *staring at Green Lantern* icky
Batman: *nodding* good observation
Green Lantern: OH COME ON—
Short King™ Dick Grayson my love
Damian: I have only recently realised how truly deficient in height Grayson is.
Jason: Not next to you he isn’t, Shortstack.
Damian: I am ten; I have an excuse. He does not.
Tim: He may be our older brother, but he is also our little brother.
Jason, sipping his tea: Positively miniscule.
(Damian, sitting in the rafters above the rest of the Batboys)
Dick: You’ll take any chance to be taller than us, won't you?
Damian, gesturing at Jason, who is a full foot taller than Dick: Your height, or lack of it, is nothing to boast over, Grayson.
Jason, nodding: Dickface Grayson, our little brother.
Dick: I’m older than you!
Tim: The fact you have to clarify that says everything.
Dick:
Dick: …I hate you all.
Jason: Hey, don’t be like that, little buddy! Maybe the rage brought upon by your big siblings will help you grow a couple inches.
Tim: Probably wouldn’t end well. Ever heard of Rumpelstiltskin?
Dick: You guys never call Damian short! Look at him, he’s tiny!
Damian: My legs have not yet reached their apex! My true stance has not been assumed! Furthermore, I will have you know, I am the average height for my age!
Jason: Woah, Dickhead, he just called you short and ancient!
Dick: What?? I’m not even old!
Tim: You’re in your twenties. Given our life expectancies, you’re basically the equivalent of a seventy-year-old.
Jason: You outlived me, and I’m younger than you.
Dick: I—What??? Alfred, help me!
Alfred, entering with a tea tray: No, no Master Dick. Young Master Timothy has a point. Perhaps you should begin joining me for Senior Bingo Night.
Dick:
Dick: …I’ll pass.
(Dick, coming downstairs for breakfast, his hair in a cute little mess)
Bruce, slightly high on pain meds: Aww, how’s my little boy?
Dick: W H Y
Jason Todd, in the thickest Jersey accent known to man: Hey, you piece of shit! Dat's my fuckin tire! Get the fuck offa me!
Bruce, tearing up behind the cowl: ...kid ya want a job?