#programming survivor

[programmed-cultureis]

programmed culture is so many things about You and Your Life making sense for the first time when you learn about ramcoa. never felt so afraid & sad about learning what my experiences mean

[maneki-the-lucky]

TW FOR MENTIONS OF PROGRAMMING

We recently had a situation where a programmer alter fronted alone. Granted it was when we were mostly asleep, but it wasn’t pleasant. It took one of the gatekeepers a while to get them access to someone else because how their programming was. It was scary, but we seem to be safe now.

[hound-of-sin]

A long dead dog's blood flows through my veins and its soul has been interwoven between the shattered remains of mine. Everyone can see how inhuman I have become. That's what I've been told, anyways.

[hound-of-sin]

I don't see love in romantic gestures. I see love in the vicious wanting. I will always feel more loved by the ones who would spike my food or drink to have me than I ever could the ones who would offer a warm hand. I don't feel loved in this percieved safety I have found myself in. Love is the one who takes what they want from me without permission. Love is in the power they want to hold over me. Love is in the commanding words. "Sit, dog. Your place is always under me, kneeling at my feet." Love is the spilling of blood at their word. It is in the feral bliss triggered by extreme pain. I only felt love in that devotion. I want that kind of love again, but it all went away before I even turned 10. I do not want to die before I find it again. I must have it again. I must. I want to feel truly loved again.

[hound-of-sin]

There has been something I have wanted to say on here for a while that I do not believe has been mentioned before. I am a strictly anti contact zoophile. I experience romantic and sexual attraction towards dogs. This is most definitely due to our experiences with Theo (a dog we were forced into aocsa with) and with our handlers telling us it was normal because I am a dog too. I have wrestled with that thought for a very long time.

tw because I'm going to talk about my experiences with it in detail and I'm sure what I'm going to say might be gross to others.

I first noticed it when I was staying with a guardian. She has this all brown dog with pointed ears, unsure of the mixture of breeds he is but he is a beautiful dog. I was laying on the couch and he got on top of me and laid his head on my chest. I had an intense reaction. He started licking my face and for 10 minutes I just sat there with him on top of me experiencing a bliss I didn't recognize (we would of course later remember that we experienced that same bliss with Theo). At some point I did recognize how aroused I was from this was extremely weird and I got off the couch, feeling gross as all hell. I was always a bit weird with that dog in particular. Clingy to him. I didn't recognize it back then but I believe I developed a romantic attraction to him. I never let myself end up in a situation like that again with him however. For a time I read smuts about bestiality with dogs and would get off to it. I didn't do that for long. I then tried burying the feelings with some success for a while. They came back up again 9 or so months ago, when we remembered what happened with Theo. We'd have frequent flashbacks of sex with him and I'd get physically aroused in response. I couldn't keep denying it after a certain point, so I accepted that I am a zoophile. I had a conversation with my partner about it and her understanding meant the world to me. To this day I deal with intrusive thoughts and I still get aroused by dogs, but never in a million years will I ever hurt one, not like I had to with Theo. I will do right by his memory and do better for the dogs in my life, both current and future.

[hound-of-sin]

Update on this: I'm just a paranoid freak all is good. I got an explanation from the lady I work for that explained who he was. Still leaving this up because it's a great example of how awful my paranoia gets.

Last night I experienced something pretty fucking horrific. I am currently dogsitting and the house I reside in has a backyard that leads into the woods. The kitchen has a sliding glass door that can see said backyard and woods. I was in the kitchen late last night because I usually eat late dinners, and the dogs began barking while looking out the sliding glass door. I look up to see what they're barking at and low and behold a man was standing just behind the fence of the backyard looking at me. He had a light that I'm pretty confident was his phone because as I stared at him it looked like a camera flash went off a few times. Then I watched him slowly walk to the left of the house until I couldn't see him through the door anymore. A few minutes later I hear a car outside and peer through the window to see a car leaving the driveway. Here's the really fucking scary part of that. There was another incident a few months ago when me and my partner caught someone sitting in their car and taking photos of us through our bedroom window with his phone. I can't say this with 100% certainty because of how dark it was, but the car I saw leave the driveway looked exactly like the car that guy was taking photos of us from. The tailights and the frame of the car that I could make out looked like the exact same model. I could be wrong, but if I'm not, it's extremely concerning given my past. I'm seriously hoping that my fear and paranoia are simply clouding my judgement here, but even viewing this from a rational lens is unsettling and creepy at best.

[programmed-culture-is]

programming culture is…

being triggered by THE most random things. what do you mean seeing that colour upsets me. Why does that emoji make my vision blur

- mod tracer : it/its

[hound-of-sin]

I am withering away. I cannot get my primary handler out of my head. If I had a way to contact him I gladly would. I want nothing more than to be with him again. I am helplessly addicted to the bleeding.